The Biggest Surprise of My Marriage – 15 Years In
If there was a quiz titled, "How Good a Traveler Are You?" my responses would be followed by advice to just stay home, while my husband Kevin would be told to go and wander the world.
Here’s why.
Kevin can fall asleep anywhere. A folding chair, a cement floor, you name it. I, on the other hand, require a soft bed, a firm pillow and blaring white noise. Kevin can skip several meals in a row with no consequence and has a gut of steel. I need certain foods at certain times and can morph from happy to hangry in seconds flat.
Kevin has fond childhood memories of riding in the rear-facing seat of his family’s station wagon and enjoys risky and rickety modes of transportation. I get motion sick watching my kids on a tire swing.
Beyond the physical stuff, just last week, on a trip to Florida, when the extended forecast called for gray skies and chilly temps, I spiraled faster than an angsty adolescent, while Kevin quickly pointed out that meteorologists often get it wrong. Wouldn’t you know we woke up to the sun the following morning?
All this to say, Kevin's flexibility, optimism and go-with-the-flow attitude make him an excellent traveler, while my sensitivities (isn’t that a nice way of putting it??) and need for routine make me a terrible one.
I noticed this difference a few months into our dating relationship when we talked about our ideal honeymoon. I wanted every detail nailed down. Kevin thought it would be great fun to drive south with no plan at all and see where we wound up. Though love-struck and giddy, I still had my wits about me and quickly told him that was the worst idea I’d ever heard. We ended up compromising and what do you know – it worked!
Fifteen years later, it’s still working, but there's something I’ve had to learn and relearn: The very same characteristics that can drive a wedge between us are what drew us together in the first place. And continue to do so. We do not have the same strengths so our marriage really is a team effort.
On our recent vacation, I was feeling especially wrung out after being in the car for two days. So Kevin took the kids on an adventure, fed them, and put them to bed. The next morning, we ate at a fantastic off-the-beaten-path restaurant I had found online then bopped around to a few attractions I’d read about.
Kevin’s laid-back personality helped me take a deep breath and gather myself. My research and planning helped the four of us enjoy a fantastic day together. See how that worked?
I’ve noticed the back-and-forth, back-and-forth happens over and over again in our marriage. This has come as a surprise, as I didn’t realize just how acutely our differences would strengthen our relationship.
Don’t get me wrong: We still find each other irritating. We still quibble over daily life stuff. We still have discussions about division of labor, how to best handle issues with our kids and goofy things like whether a heated toilet seat is really a necessity (please tell him it’s not the next time you see him).
But it’s in those irritations, quibbles and “heated” discussions that I see the true beauty of marriage: two highly imperfect people coming together to challenge and cheer for each other. To sacrifice for, care about and experience life day after day. Two becoming one. And that's a gift I will never take for granted.
